by Dr. Donald Denton, LPC
edited by Dr. Nedra Voorhies, LPC
Very few of us get up in the morning and say, "I just can't wait to get angry today and make life miserable for someone!"
But most of us will encounter anger sometime during the day. Our perfect plans for success and happiness will be thwarted by one or more absolute morons.
All of us know anger from our childhoods. Some times the anger was justified, but sometimes the anger we received during childhood had little or no cause other than that Dad or Mom had a problem that they thought would get fixed if they applied the Board of Education to the Seat of Knowledge one more time.
So we come to the topic of anger - and anger management - with a mixture of helpful and not so helpful past experiences. Some of us have almost no control over our anger - we feel it and we express it immediately. And then we wonder why people give us a wide berth. Some of us have too much control over our anger - we're not even aware how enraged we are over all the humiliation and grief we've encountered. And then we wonder why we're depressed and using some drug to make us feel better.
Here are some tools that you might want to put into your Anger Management Toolbox - something to reach for INSTEAD of the hammer labeled 'Anger' the next time some moron spoils our plan for a perfect day.
Recognize that all of us have basic needs. Some needs, like hunger and anger and companionship and rest, are easy to identify. Other needs, like safety, trust, affection and respect, are less easy to identify. These needs are more difficult to meet. But when they are not met, we feel pain. When we feel pain, anger is frequently the way we try to express our hurt. But anger reduces our safety. Anger erodes trust. Anger destroys affection. Anger reduces respect.
Safety -
· Anger reduces safety!
· Emotions that signal feeling unsafe - anxiety, fear, terror, dread.
· Emotions that signal feeling safe - peace, serenity.
· Take action to increase safety - go to a safer place, avoid places and people where safety is not experienced.
. Increasing personal safety is "Doing the next right thing!"
Trust -
· Anger erodes trust!
· Emotions that signal distrust - suspicion, doubt, mistrust, cynicism, negativism.
· Emotions that signal trust - patience, happiness.
· Take actions to build trust - tell the truth, do the truth, develop optimism, develop positive habits
· Keep promises!
Affection -
· Anger destroys affection!
· Emotions that signal a lack of affection - depression, hatred, aversion, arguing.
· Emotions that signal affection - laughter, warmth, joy.
· Take actions to increase affection - lower your voice, touch your partner lightly, ask your partner 'what would you like me to do?' learn your partner's 'love language.'
· Telling my partner 'I need your affection right now' builds safety, trust, affection and respect.
Respect -
· Anger reduces respect!
· Emotions that signal disrespect - hostility, sarcasm, belittling, frustration.
· Emotions that signal respect - contentment, cooperation, enthusiasm, tolerance.
· Take actions to increase your self-respect - do one good thing for someone without them asking, save an extra dollar for a rainy day, tell the truth without hurting yourself or someone else.
Avoid alcohol, caffeine, and other drugs. Anger can be a normal response to un-met personal needs. Each of us needs food, safety, companionship and rest. When these needs are not met, we begin scanning our world for something to meet this need. If our need is not met, we become irritated and increasingly agitated. If someone prevents us from meeting our need, we become hostile toward that person in addition to still not having our basic need met. Identifying our basic need - and communicating it clearly so that our need can be met - will reduce our need to become irritated, agitated and hostile.
H u n g e r - -
Take care of your need for nutrition!
Recognize hunger pangs and respond to them promptly!
Candy, coffee, soda, and chips turn off the 'hunger pang' but create other agitation.
Alcohol turns off the 'hunger pang' but creates other problems.
There is nothing wrong in saying "I am hungry!"
A N G R Y -
Learn adjectives for 'anger'!
Sadness, demanding, bossy, loud, irritation, blustery, frustrated!
Recognize legitimate frustrations!
Communicate your frustration, irritation, sadness, need for control, worry, and fear.
It is not shameful to admit feeling any of these emotions!
L o n e l y - -
Develop a wider circle of friends.
Involve yourself in groups where people show interest in you - church, social clubs, volunteer with an organization, work your program in A. A. / N. A.
Enrich your inner life - read a good book, watch an educational program, listen to peaceful music.
T I r e d -
Get enough sleep.
Take a 20-minute nap rather than another cup of coffee.
Adequate exercise will help you rest.
What is anger?
A completely normal and usually healthy human emotion.
An emotion that creates enormous problems if not controlled.
What causes anger?
An external event - terrorists crashing into a building, being delayed in traffic, someone telling you 'No!'
An external person - someone humiliating you, someone frustrating your desires, someone not listening to you, a co-worker not doing their work, being assaulted.
An internal event - discovering you have a serious illness, being afraid, feeling suspicious.
How to express anger?
Aggressively - especially if survival is threatened
Assertively - especially if survival is NOT threatened by I am annoyed, irritated, frustrated, piqued, embarrassed or humiliated.
Suppressing - especially if I can find a way to redirect my anger into constructive behavior or speech.
What happens if I do not express my anger?
Feelings of revenge will fester
Hostility will grow between me and others
I will become cynical, critical, annoying and unlovely
Somebody is going to get hurt - either my health will suffer or my anger will finally explode onto those nearest to me
What are some constructive alternatives to anger?
Relaxing
Exercising
Re-wiring my head
Listening
R E L A A A A X X X X !
Take a walk - walk until your pace is normal
Take some deep breaths - while lying on your back
Do some stretching
Repeat helpful phrases - 'Easy Does It!' or 'Give Yourself a Break!' or 'Slow Down!
Take a shower
EXERCISE!
Run or ride a bicycle every day for twenty minutes
Lift weights
Swim one-half mile
Learn yoga
Take up a martial art
RE-WIRE YOUR HEAD !
Talk to yourself: "Getting angry is going to make my life worse!"
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people are not out to get you!"
Stop cursing and start blessing !
Learn more words for your feelings
Replace 'I am a failure' with 'I have failed many times!'
Talk First - and Second - And THIRD before acting !
Don't jump to conclusions!
The first thing that comes into your head is probably wrong!
We have TWO EARS and one mouth - listen!
Tell a joke - Find a way to remind yourself that you are not in charge just yet!
Instructions: Admitting 'I am angry!' is the first step toward gaining control of anger. Identifying what triggers anger is the second step in gaining control of anger. This Anger Log-Book is a simple tool in which to can admit my anger, identify what triggered anger, report expression of anger and problem-solve 'what I will do differently' the next time the situation repeats itself. Use these blank pages as a way to get started!
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
Date: Time: Place:
What Happened:
What Triggered My Anger:
I Was Angry With:
How I Expressed My Anger:
I Was Really Feeling:
How I Want To Express My Anger Next Time:
#1 Identifying Mistaken Attitudes!
_____It is not my problem! _____I can't control myself!
_____I have a right to be angry! _____I'll make you respect me!
_____At least I've never hit him / her!
#2 Face Ineffective Ways of Expressing My Anger!
Grief Guilt
Fear Shame
Denial Depression
Drinking Drugging
#3 Admit Real Hurts!
_____This reminds me of the time.... _____I want my kids to respect me!
_____I get tired of people telling me what to do! _____I wish I had more money!
#4 Admitting Resentments...and Learning to Forgive!
_____Forgiving is NOT forgetting! _____Forgiving is releasing myself!
_____Forgiveness is taking control of my hurt! ________Resentment only hurts me!
#1 Right now I am feeling:
_____Anxious _____Worthless _____Hostile _____Depressed
_____Mean/evil _____Vengeful _____Bitchy _____Bitter
_____Rebellious _____Paranoid _____Victimized _____Numb
_____Sarcastic _____Resentful _____Frustrated _____Destructive
#2 What happened to make you angry? - Focus on the specific incident!
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
#3 Who am I angry with?
_____Myself _____My spouse _____My boss
_____The kids _____God _____People _____Men
_____Women _____Other races _____Someone at work
#4 What OTHER FEELING did I feel BESIDES anger?
_____foolish _____hurt _____guilty _____ashamed
_____sad _____hungry _____lonely _____embarrassed
_____unappreciated _____powerless _____resentful
#5 What is it about this OTHER FEELING that angers you the most?
_____I feel so stupid! _____I shouldn't let this happen!
_____There's nothing I can do about it! _____It always is my fault!
